Quotes of the week

"This tie will go to the second leg, where it will be decided."
Former England manager Steve McClaren's pearls of wisdom on BBC Radio 5 Live. (James, Rothesay)

"The guy is just like Shakespeare - he makes plays."
An American commentator sees similarities with the Bard and Cristiano Ronaldo. (Matt Haslett, Canada)

"It must be necessary for a player to bring a gun and shoot one of our men in the box for us to get a penalty."
Man Utd's assistant boss Carlos Queiroz brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'drive-by shooting' after Cristiano Ronaldo's penalty appeal is turned down in the crucial 2-1 defeat to Chelsea.

"To give a penalty for that in a game of such importance, on the linesman's say-so, is absolutely diabolical. Granted, the ball hit Carrick's hand but he couldn't get out of the road."
Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson doesn't quite agree with referee Alan Wiley's decision to award Chelsea their match-winning penalty.

"It was handbags really."
Chelsea groundsman Sam Bethell's summation of his post-match altercation with Manchester United's Patrice Evra. The FA may see it differently...

"Didi is a strong boy!"
Chelsea's two-goal hero Michael Ballack on his bizarre free-kick row with team-mate Didier Drogba, a spat eventually decided by the robust Ivory Coast striker.

'With Drogba, it's important to have a good referee. You can't do anything, but I will say it because it was so clear. He is amazing because he is massive. It's very impressive."
However, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez thinks our Didi falls over a little too regularly for a strong boy, without actually saying it.

"I think I deserve to win!"
A thoroughly impartial and unabashed Cristiano Ronaldo on his candidate for PFA Footballer of the Year. Unsurprisingly, he won.

"He (the Pope) is not a bad lad. If it said 'God bless Myra Hindley', I might have a problem."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan on goalkeeper Artur Boruc's controversial 'God bless the Pope' T-shirt, which incensed travelling Rangers fans in the 3-2 Old Firm derby victory.

"I don't think I've ever hit anyone. No, wait a minute. At primary school there was this boy called Daniel Banks who had me in a neck lock and he'd stolen my football. I hit him."
The Premier League's hatchet men quiver in fear as Arsenal's baby-faced assassin Theo Walcott reveals the consequences when you make him angry.

"Didier Drogba has the lowest pain threshold in the northern hemisphere."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley's during the Liverpool v Chelsea Champions League semi-final. (Marcus Jackson)

"Liverpool and Chelsea have had 150 major competitive meetings; Liverpool lead by 58 wins to 44, with 28 draws."
Stats on the BBC website ahead of the Liverpool v Chelsea Champions League semi-final. What happened in the other 20 games then? (Simo Williams, England)

Aston Villa have scored 15 goals in their last three games, including three each for Young, Barry, Carson and Agbonlahor."
Match of the Day 2 commentator before Everton v Aston Villa. Scott Carson is apparently scoring more than he is letting in! (Jonathan, Lincoln, England)

"It's good to have your full-backs coming forward, like Gary Neville does here for Everton."
Lee Dixon gets his Nevilles in a muddle on the Everton v Aston Villa game on MoTD2. (Various)

"Varney's got sore ribs, a sore groin, bellyache, headache, nose ache, earache and toe ache from that tackle - so he should be okay for Monday."
Charlton boss Alan Pardew looks on the bright side as Luke Varney recovers from an 'assault' by Barnsley's Marciano van Homoet. (Tim Kitching, UK)

"Man City 12-0 Fulham."
Sven-Goran Eriksson's sides go a little goal-potty at Eastlands, according to the BBC Sport website's Live Premier League commentary. (Various)